One year later - Oli

I can’t believe it’s been a year since my beautiful mother in law slipped away. 

It’s been 365 days of wishing I could call and hear her voice, 365 days of wanting to tell her funny stories and hear her laugh, 365 days of hearing the kids ask for her, 365 days of watching things change that she’ll never see… 365 days of missing you. You’re forever here in our hearts. 

Until we meet again… 

E fa'avavau Aiga • Families are Forever.

Alex's blessing day. I have never seen her so happy in my life.

Her last birthday we had the chance to celebrate - in hospital.

With the gentlemen who so kindly escorted Stephen to his final resting place.

Having her first hold of baby Alex.

On our wedding day, at the reception. 

Her 60th birthday with her family in Melbourne.

Primary presentation with Maddie, in their matchy outfits. Before she got sick.

Cooking for our family on a Sunday afternoon. 

Making the move to Perth. ❤

a memory from st john of god

today doug went to make some deliveries on our family's behalf to those who cared for his mother during the months she battled her way through endless doctor's and hospital appointments, radiation and chemotherapy.

we called the receptionist of her wonderful doctor and found out what bubbly he liked and bought a really nice bottle for him, then bought her a beautiful bunch of flowers, as well as one for her general practitioner who had been by her side the entire time - and is still dougs preferred dr. she is so wonderful. they were all so very happy to see him and said such kind words about his mother. both of the women shed a few tears which was incredibly touching. we are so grateful for these amazing people who gave her not only medical advice, but so much comfort during the darkest times, with their kind words and love that they offered. i know there are often who speak badly of drs and their service, but we were truly blessed with the very best. 

doug also bought me this beautiful cross to keep as a memory. his mother was cared for in st. john of god hospital - a catholic hospital and the day she passed away, our bishop had brought his young daughter to the hospital with him. she had become a bit fidgety and the two of us had gone for a walk to the hospital gift shop where i saw it. i loved it so much and it seemed a beautiful piece to have in memory of his mum and the hospital that cared for her. he agreed and went back for it while he was there. i will always treasure it.

oli's funeral

oli has been laid to rest with her beloved stephen.sleeping peacefully together for all eternity.  

i had the absolute honour of writing her eulogy for doug to deliver. writing is more my thing than his and i honestly think he's had more than enough to deal with over the past week. when oli started to get really sick, i started taking notes of things that she had told me, things that she wanted at her funeral and funny stories from her life. so here they are, all put together.

First and foremost a huge thankyou to all of you from my sister and I for being here to celebrate our mothers life with us. Getting her here proved impossible in the end, but thankfully with the wonderful technology that is available in this day and age, she and other loved ones who aren’t able to be here in person, will still be able to share today with us. I do hope our cameraman might be able to do a little scan of the room so all of you watching via livestream are able to see just how many people are here for our mum. 

We acknowledge those who wish to share this day and are unable to do so due to the lasting effects of the covid-19 pandemic. My sister Dominique and her husband Bryan in the United States, my mother’s brothers, Salevana and his wife Pura and family in Samoa, Willie in New Zealand, Junior and his wife Debra and family in England, Ronie and Pua and their family in Queensland and many other family members and friends both in Australia and around the world. We thank you for your expressions of sympathy and love that have flowed since my mother’s passing last Wednesday. How grateful we are for each and every one. 

Oliveta Kendall was born in Apia, Western Samoa on the 18^th of October 1959 to Peter and Suilolo Paramore. She was the second child and eldest daughter, with one older brother, Taavili and younger siblings Masae, Salevana, Junior and Faavaoa. She grew up in the island way and loved her life and her family. She has always been so proud of her siblings and loved to talk to them and catch up on everything. She attended Pesega College in Samoa and graduated ready to take on the world. A few years later she met a handsome young man by the name of Stephen Kendall and fell pretty hard for him. They were married in 1980 and soon were blessed with me! Mum loved to tell anyone that would listen about when she had a baby with “a red hair” in Samoa and the doctors were so shocked. She said everyone in the hospital wanted to come and see the baby with the red hair. 

When I was still a baby, she and dad made the move to Hastings, New Zealand where they started their life as a family of three. Mum has always been a hard worker and found work picking apples while I chilled in my pram. She rode her bike everywhere and I just went along for the ride. I had the best childhood and was so loved by my mum. People always thought mum was my babysitter and it made her furious. One time I wandered off in the toy section and she couldn’t find me, dad ended up getting a call from the police station asking to come and collect me and she was mortified. Another time I got my foot stuck in the bike spokes as we rode long and ended up in the hospital…another call to dad… After years of waiting, my sister Dominique joined our family in 1989 and my mum was so happy to finally have her little girl. Mum loved to dress us up and always made sure we had new clothes and looked perfect. She was forever buying Dominique frilly new dresses from the markets and carried that tradition on with Madeline. Jade started sending mum “Sunday shots” to show off all the dresses she had bought Maddie for her first Christmas. Mum loved clothes and perfume and looking stylish. She wasn’t one for makeup and fancy hair, but loved to look good. 

Mum would spoil me rotten and my cousins still talk about all the cool toys I had… but she was strict as anything with me as a kid, especially with church. When I was given an assignment in primary, it wasn’t good enough to be ready, I had to have my talk memorised and had better not make a mistake. She loved working in primary and never wanted to be anywhere else. She just loved kids. Bishop suggested that she be released a few months ago when she was particularly unwell and she was not having a bar of it. “Don’t you dare!” she said. She would tell off the kids in primary with no filter and I’m amazed they liked her. To be honest, it was probably more treats. She always had treats. 

She was the hardest worker I know. She worked two (and even sometimes three) jobs for years! When she and dad moved to Perth in 2016 it was the first time she had worked only one (and part time at that) for as long as I could remember. I still remember Jade recalling her conversation with the person she spoke to at Lite ‘n Easy about a transfer when they arrived. She had yelled down the phone, absolutely furious… “I could be the best worker you’d ever have but you’ll never know ‘cause you won’t give me a chance!” No idea why, but they hired her the week after. She loved her job and the staff and had many firm friendships there. She was devastated to have to be on long term medical leave and was forever asking her Dr when she could get back to work. 

Mum was such an adoring grandmother and spoiled our kids so much. She would buy them presents all the time, always had food stashed for them and just couldn’t get enough of them. She was so thrilled when Jade told her she was pregnant with Alex as it was the first time she had been living nearby and would be able to have her newborn grandchild in arms reach. She and Alex had such a special relationship. One of his first words was grandma and he just adored her. She made us laugh with the kids, she’d hold them, they’d go to sleep, she’d go to sleep too, but if we tried to take them she’d wake up and tell us off. NO. I’m holding him! She loved them so much that Jade would be scared to take Alex around if he had a bruise on his head (which was hard with a new one most days) because mum would yell at her. WHAT IS THAT?! What did you do to him? If there was a stabbing, a storm or an accident within a 500km radius of us, she’d be on the phone checking in to make sure that it wasn’t us and reminding to be careful. 

Mum was absolutely one of a kind. She either liked you or she didn’t, there was no in-between. Sometimes she was a straight up savage, like the time we took her new car for a test drive and when the salesman asked if she liked it, she responded, I don’t care, I’ll be dead. Plus she was mad that I hadn’t chosen a Toyota and kept bringing it up. It was so awkward for the poor guy. When she didn’t like my music I’d hear all about it. “Douglas! If you spent as much time memorising your scriptures as you do these rap songs, you’d be the stake president!” She would tell off the kids and get it a little bit wrong making them roar with laughter. Seffa! Your eyes are bigger than your head! When there was too much food on his plate. Maddie! Don’t have any friends! Because Maddie had mentioned too many people in conversation. Aleki! Can’t you walk?! Because he was too busy running. Mum had the best grasp of the English language, but would still say the funniest things. 

Mum and dad moved here to be close to their grandchildren, but none of us had any idea what was to come. Not long after they arrived, dad got sick. Not long after Alex was born, mum got sick. Mum was hooked up to chemo the day dad died and we had to have her unhooked and rush to the hospital to say goodbye. Having one parent go through this is unimaginable; having both parents going through it is horrendous. After dad died, mum showed up. She went back to work and lost herself in that and her grandkids. She worked any hours they would give her. She said the busier she was the easier it was to make it through the week. It was hard on her though and last year in November it got too much for her. The drs had been absolutely gobsmacked every time she went for her chemo treatments that she was still working. She was admitted to hospital and the doctors found that the chemotherapy, which up to that point had been quite effective, was no longer working. They tried radiation, they tried another type of chemo, she lost her hair… and then she started to get tired. She spoke of how much she missed dad and how nice it would be to see him again. She ate less and less… and eventually it all got to be too much. She said her feet were hurting last Thursday, that she didn’t feel too good on Friday, was admitted to hospital Tuesday morning and after a restless night, went to sleep for the last time around lunchtime then just peacefully drifted away. What an absolute blessing it was for us to be with her and watch her sleep, pain free for the first time in months. Ready to be with dad again and enjoy eternal rest. She fought so hard and for so long and has earned her rest. But she never complained. When someone asked how she was, she would always answer, not too bad. Even on the morning she passed away, she spoke briefly to her dr and when he asked how she was, she croaked out, not too bad. She never, ever, ever complained. 

One of my happiest memories with mum is being able to visit Samoa in 2014 with her, Jade, Madeline and Joseph. She was just so unbelievable happy to be home and told us over and over we’d have to go again. I’m sure she and dad are drifting together on an island breeze and I can only imagine the reunion they would have had. She has missed him terribly and it is such a comfort to know they are together again and that she will have been reunited with Mama and Papa. Families are forever and I know that we will see her again one day. 

Mum my life will be a little bit darker without you in it. I promise I’ll do my best to be the man you wanted me to be and maybe even start memorising scriptures instead of Wu Tang. But then again, maybe not. I love you.

before we began her service in the chapel we had a last farewell with the family in one of the side rooms in the chapel

then when her service ended, her beautiful namesake oliveta and i took her coffin out to be placed in the hearse for her final journey, to the pinaroo valley memorial park.

i then had the greatest honour in all my years being involved in funerals, i asked ellie if i could walk the hearse off as they pulled out into the street. traditionally, a hearse is escorted by the funeral director and i have literally done this hundreds of times. mostly on to an extremely busy road in subiaco, but this time meant the most. as i lead her hearse onto the road, i was crying (of course) just ask madeline, i cry at everything. it was such an honour.

at the cemetery, her coffin was carried across to her final resting place by ready hands and willing hearts of her son douglas, her brother in law fatu, her nephew matthew and her great nephew matthew-douglas.

but first it was wrapped in the tapa cloth used last night as a final gesture.

what a beautiful and loving send off she was able to have surrounded by family and friends until the very end.

❤

her grave was then dedicated by douglas 

prior to the lowering by the pallbearers

with her grandbabies looking on

before everyone got to work filling the sand in before we would leave.

i love that doug wore his suit coat during the service and as he carried the coffin across before donning his family t-shirt. his mum was always at him for not wearing a suit and i know that she would have loved that he wore one just for her today.

and joseph had a haircut, much to his disgust. he likes his hair long, but cut it "just for grandma." seeing these two assist was so touching. maddie opened the funeral by singing "families can be together forever" and then spoke during the service as well, i am so proud of her.

God saw you were getting tired

and when a cure was not to be

He wrapped His arms around you

and whispered "come to me"

Good morning everyone, my name is Madeline and I loved my grandma very much. She has been sick for quite some time, but has always had time for my brothers and I. Even when she was at her sickest, she would be so happy to see us and it never seemed to matter if she wasn't feeling up to going anywhere.

Every Sunday Grandma would have a lunch box ready for us to eat in church, she gave us snacks that mum wouldn't buy for our school lunches and would buy us pretty much anything we wanted, even when dad said no. She said that's what Grandma's do. 

We are both happy and sad that she's gone. We are happy that she is with my poppy again and she's not in any more pain - but we are sad that she can't physically be with us anymore. I would be so happy to give her one last hug.

Everyone loved my grandma because she was funny and friendly, and always had lollies in her bag. Thank you for sharing today with us. I’d like to read a poem in memory of my Grandma called “You’ve just walked on ahead of me.”

You’ve just walked on ahead of me

And I’ve got to understand

You must release the ones you love

And let go of their hand.

I try and cope the best I can

But I’m missing you so much

If I could only see you

And once more feel your touch.

You’ve just walked on ahead of me

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

But every now and then I feel

Your hand surrounding mine

I love you grandma and I will never forget you.You’ll always be in my thoughts. Love, Maddie.

i love that doug has such a support from the boys at his work too. there has been so many messages of love he has been told to take as long as he needs before he returns to work. i know that they have meant the world to him.

at the end of one of the longest days of my life. the entire family together in our oli shirts. ❤

and the cutest little gestures. dougs cousins spent hours filling these little bags with chocolates to give everyone that attended the funeral. it was well known that oli always had chocolate in her bag and they wanted her to be able to give everyone a treat one last time.

and they also had a perth island food store make up these packs to distribute to all the guests/ funeral/ cemetery staff after the funeral. it was such a lovely gesture, she loved her food.

today was definitely one of the saddest days of my life. there has already been so many times in just a week where i have just wanted to call and tell her something that happened, something that she would have laughed at, something that would have made her mad, something the kids did... and i can't. it absolutely breaks my heart that she is gone, though i am so happy that she is pain free and back with her stephen. but i already miss her so much. doug found me the other day sitting in our closet crying and i don't know when it's going to get any better, but i just have to believe it will.

i can't even explain how hard this has been. having to have family here while were grieving and having to be sociable, when all we really wanted was some time alone. please don't get me wrong, we are so grateful they were here to see her off and to offer their love and support, we just needed some space. i'm so glad this is over and we can finally breathe. 

oli's family service

tonight we had oli's family service at the chapel in the hall. it was a lovely evening, a little less formal than tomorrow will be, with the coffin open and lots of stories and laughs and food afterwards. it was beautifully set up, with white wreaths ordered for the occasion and tapa cloth set out for the coffin to rest by.

it was all perfect for her and she looked like an angel all in white. 

after stephen died, oli had told me every single thing she wanted for her funeral and i had spent months adding to my notes about what she wanted so that things would be perfect. she didn't want any fuss and wanted things just like stephen had had. the same coffin even. a few months ago i found a measure of white lace and showed it to her, as one of her requests was to have a white lace covering on her coffin. it had been hemmed and waiting in a bag and finally went on her coffin today. 

dominique chose her flowers from photos we sent, so she still had the chance to be included and we spent hours and hours on facetime oganising things, working out the eulogy and every other detail. it proved just too hard to get her into australia with the restrictions being that she isn't an australian citizen, so we don't know if her application would be accepted, the air fares plus hotel quarantine costs was almost $30k, then getting her back into the us would be a whole nother story again. in the end we decided as a family that staying there was safer.

❤

dog was asked by his mothers sisters to conduct the evening and did an incredible job, held it together like you wouldn't believe and was so strong. with the wonders of modern technology, we even managed to have this family service as well as the church and burial services tomorrow live streamed  and available for a later download for all her loved ones who were not able to attend.

the most incredible part of the evening was matthew douglas sending his great aunt out with a heartfelt haka. 

the spirit in the room was so strong and felt by all who were lucky enough to be a part of the evening.

we even displayed some lovely things of hers in the passage outside the hall, some family photos and her favourite quilt. her quilt has been with her for the last 6 months, almost to the day. she had always wanted a quilt all of her own and this was made especially for her, by my mother with samoan fabrics as a gift when douglas turned 40. she loved it so much and was brought to tears. she has had it with her at home and for every hospital stay and was even covered with it when she slipped from this life to the next. she treasured it so much and i know she would have loved that it was with her today too.

now to make it through tomorrow. deep breaths.

oliveta kendall 1959-2021

with great sadness, we announce the passing of our dear mother oliveta kendall. 18/10/1959 - 07/04/2021 after a long battle with cancer, she passed way peacefully in her sleep with her family by her side. strong and determined, she fought to the very end. she will be missed so very much by her children douglas & jade and dominique & bryan and her grandchildren madeline, joseph and alexander. she was a much loved sister, aunty and friend. we are humbled by the outpouring of love we have received and are grateful for each and every message.

the day we dreaded has arrived. my beautiful mother in law finally slipped from this life to the next this afternoon. she fought so hard, for so long and just didn't want to leave us. but we know she has finally been reunited with her beloved steve and is sleeping peacefully for the first time in months,

doug called through to the hospital as soon as he was able on tuesday morning and was told to bring her straight in, where the doctors started running tests to try and see what was wrong. they gave her some strong painkillers to ensure she was comfortable, then continued to check in throughout the day. her dr came in to see her and said they were checking whatever they could to see how they could help.

doug finally came home late tuesday night, exhausted but not at all happy about having left his mum alone at the hospital. i offered to go and sit with her which he was so happy with, so i packed some things and went in just after midnight to sit with her. she woke up when i arrived and spoke to me briefly, so i held her hand and chatted away to her telling her about my day and funny things the kids had done at my mums until she fell asleep again. it sounds like a terrible thing to say, but from the minute i walked into that room, i knew she was dying. i could smell it and feel it in the air. people think i'm crazy, but death has such a distinct smell and it's something you would never forget. being that i have attended to hundreds of transfers in my years in the funeral home, i knew it was in the air.

throughout the night she would wake and cry out, so i would hold her hand and chat away to her. i distinctly remember that sometime in the middle of the night that she looked right at me and said, "doug needs you jade. promise me you'll never leave him." of course i promised and she settled again. i told her that if she needed to go it was okay and that i would look after her grandchildren and always keep them safe. she smiled every so often, but she was so uncomfortable and keep moaning in her sleep.

doctor dean came in the morning to see her as soon as he arrived in the hospital. doug had taken our kids to the pinkers and dropped them off so he could come back to the hospital, so he had already come back to her by then. when dr dean came in, he asked her how she was doing and in true oli form, she croaked, "oh not too bad." it was always her way, even when she felt her worst.

he took us outside and said that her body was shutting down and there was nothing else they could do to intervene or assist, but that if there was anyone who needed to come, that we had better notify them straight away to make sure they came quickly. doug called her sisters and they hopped on the first flight that was available along with ann-marie and ollie his cousins.

the nurses came and changed her sheets and her robe sometime around lunch which annoyed me a little as she cried out multiple times from the pain it caused and i really felt like it was unnecessary, but i know they were just doing their job and tried to be grateful for them.

 the pain got worse for her and the nurses fitted her with a pump that would dose her automatically with a small amount of morphine each hour and for the first time since i had arrived, she fell into a deep sleep. doug had contacted our bishop and he arrived and after talking to her, you could tell she knew he was there with her. as the hours went by and her breaths became slower, he laid her hands on her head and gave her a blessing of peace to guide her on her journey to the next life. it was beautiful and such an emotional time for all of us, but i was so glad he was there with us and to be able to offer that final act of service to her.

her breaths became slower and slower, until finally she took her final breath, with douglas and i by her side and dominique on the phone. bishop and her neighbour keryn stepped out into the hallway to allow us a few minutes alone. i truly treasure those final moments with her - and especially being able to spend that final night with her. to know she was safe and loved and not alone.

there truly is no words to explain the way i feel right now. i never knew it was possible to feel so happy and so sad at the same time. i am elated she is no longer in pain and back with her stephen, but i am so sad that i have lost not only my second mother, but one of my dearest friends. the years i was able to spend with her, are priceless to me.

there are very few people in this world that can say they were as loved by their in-laws as i can. my mother-in-law loved me and showed me often. she was always calling me, buying food she knew i liked, letting me whinge to her and helping with the kids.

the greatest joy in her life was her grandchildren. she was so madly in love with them and spoiled them rotten. we were absolutely devastated to find out she had cancer the week after alex was born and as we watched her get more and more ill over the last two and half years, it's been heartbreaking. even after she lost her stephen, she held on for so long and fought so hard. most of all she never complained. a classic example was her telling dr dean this morning "oh i'm not too bad."

you will always be in our hearts and never, ever forgotten. sleep peacefully. ❤

temple with oli

oli and i went to the temple this morning and it was so nice to see her there and now she was feeling peaceful. it's been a rough week for her, the chemo that worked before is no longer working and her dr has started her on one final option, which he has told us is much more aggressive than the other options and may be the last chance there is. she decided to go ahead, in her words, "i want to try everything they have. if i don't try it, i won't know, it could have been the one that helped." 

while we were sitting in the session waiting our turn to go through to the celestial room, she leaned in close to me and said, "i keep imagining i can see stephen there waiting for me behind the veil." i love that she knows that when her time comes, that he is there and will be waiting for her to take her hand as they spend eternity together. what a blessing it is to know that because of the sealing power in the temple, we know that families are forever. 

i have loved that we have been able to attend the temple so many times together over the years. ilove the time we get to spend together and seeing her so at peace in the house of the lord. what a blessing.

 

oli's haircut

this is one of the saddest things that has ever happened to me. doug's mum, for as long as i have known her, had had super long and thick hair. she loved her hair and was so proud of it. she would always have it neatly tied back and twisted into a knot and tied in place with a scrunchie or a scarf or a clip of some type, but she would never, ever cut it. but with the radiation and alllll of the chemo, her hair has been thinning and thinning and now is finally falling out. we knew the radiation would make it happen, but what saddens me the most is that she was so calm about it. 

we finally had to make the call and cut it all short at the back as it was basically a rat's tail that was left. so today, i got the scissors and carefully cut it short as she sat calmly on the couch. i was devastated, but she remained calm. it's honestly as though she has accepted whatever has and may yet happen. it's so sad to see for all of us as we never want to say goodbye, but as she grows weaker, we know it is a possibility. 

 

extended hospital stay

it's been a hard few weeks with everything going on with doug's mum. she is sick and not getting better. she was admitted to hospital because it got to the point where she just couldn't eat... which it turns out was from a tumour that is effectively blocking any food from reaching her stomach. any thing she eats pushes at it, which has in turn cause some internal bleeding a she is not receiving any sustenance. they have fitted her with a tube and are feeding her directly to her stomach by that is obviously not going to work long term. she has had to give up work and that's what upsets her the most. she loves to be busy and loves her job, so that was one of the hardest things for her, but she is simply not strong enough anymore.

 her specialist met with douglas and i and gave us the options and there is not a lot. he has decided (with her permission) to do radiation in an attempt to shrink the tumor and enable her to start eating again. this will be for a few days kin a row and then a break, for a few weeks in a row. i don't know what the answer is, but i do know that her doctor has been incredible. he is so compassionate and takes as much time with us as we need, regardless of where he needs to be and who might be waiting for him. he is truly a wonderful man. this is all so overwhelming and i have to admit, it got to the point where i asked him point blank how long we will have with her. obviously that's an impossible thing to work out, but he said we might have 6 months, we might have more... we just need to make the most of every minute with her and look after her as best as we can.

and enjoy our visits to the hospital like this dude... in the sun lounges outside from oli's room...

and these guys who decided to have a nap on grandma's bed while we visited. it's obviously comfortable enough haha.

oh how i wish there was more we could do. but we just have to go with the options we have. we love her and don't want to let her go... but we need to also be realistic and brace ourselves for whenever that day may come.